Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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