My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
