Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I had to cum in my sink.
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