She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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