I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My feet surprised me
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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