my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She told me I should be a condom model.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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