good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
