dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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