uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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