Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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