i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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