You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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