If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-