i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.