Already got asked if we're dating
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.