I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
