dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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