new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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