You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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