I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
