John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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