I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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