Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
