so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
