so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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