everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
