my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Blood and glitter go together right?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
