I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
two words...techno handjob
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
