Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
