Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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