i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
