he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
