He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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