I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
then he tried to convert me to islam
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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