i don't like sucking hair
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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