just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
