im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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