I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
