Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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