Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
