I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
