I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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