I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
