The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
