Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
