so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
