Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
