I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
