this beer tastes like vomit already
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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