She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
