She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
