Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
