I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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