And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
