that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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