Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
