you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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