Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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