party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
