My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
