They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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