I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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