I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
